How
by LittleWonders321
Summary: Daltonverse. Jogan. Songfic to the song *How* by Maroon 5.


**Disclaimer:** Glee belongs to FOX and RIB and Dalton as depicted in here and Julian and Logan, as well as all other of the Dalton boys mentioned belong to the lovely CP Coulter. The song *How* belongs to Maroon 5

**Warnings:** May contain spoilers for Dalton if you haven't read everything, or spoilers from Plurk.

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><p><strong>I have been searching for your touch<strong>

**Unlike any touch I've ever known**

Julian and Logan had both been used to being on their own, to being secluded from everyone. Not because they did not have friends, but because of their fame, or that of their parents. Because of their personalities.

No one had ever found their friendship worth putting up with all their shit, to just accept them as they were, without wanting to change them, or just always sucking up to them because of who they were, or who their parents were.

**And I never thought about you much**

**Til I'm broken down and all alone, **

Logan had gotten so used to having Julian around, he didn't even notice it anymore. Julian was just there. A certainty, that whenever he would want to talk to someone, or rage at someone, Julian would always be there. It wasn't until Julian had left for the first time that Logan started to realize exactly how much he had grown accustomed to Julian's presence.

**Though I don't understand the meaning of love**

**I do not mind if I die trying.**

Julian was young. He hadn't even known that he was bi until not too long ago. But yet he had been certain that he was in love with Logan. In love with one of his best friends. In hindsight it was the only rational explanation too wasn't it? It explained everything.

**Took it for granted when you lifted me up**

**I'm asking for your help**

**I am going through hell**

**Afraid nothing can save me but the sound of your voice**

**You cut out all the noise**

**And now that I can see mistakes so clearly now**

**I'd kill if I could take you back**

It was only now that Logan truly understood how much he had meant to Julian. How much Julian had meant to him. How much Julian had done for him. How much he had let Julian suffer, mostly unintentionally.

Along with Derek, Julian had always been the one to lift him up and mend his broken heart, to endure his rage attacks and to even help him with every new crush. Julian had even flown in from Japan for his birthday, and given him a laptop that was specifically suited for his needs.

Because Julian had known exactly what he would need, because Julian had been paying attention to him, to his needs and everything. And he had destroyed the laptop over something stupid. Just like he had destroyed everything with Julian over something insignificant.

**But how?**

**But how?**

He only wished that he could turn back time and take it all back, change the course of events.

**I can feel it in my guts**

**What's going on with him now**

**And don't patronize me with lies**

**I'm a man, be a woman now.**

Logan knew that there had been something between Julian and this new kid…Sebastian…something or other. He could see it in the looks, feel it in the behavior, hear it in every word the stranger was speaking.

It shouldn't really, he had no right, but it hurt to realize that Julian had almost managed to move on, get over him.

**I have been bound by the shackles of love**

**And I don't mind if I die tied up**

**Took it for granted when you lifted me up**

Logan knew now that he loved Julian. And he wasn't afraid. Or angry. He didn't mind. Because deep inside he knew that he had never been freer than he had been tied to Julian, through love.

**I'm asking for your help**

**I am going through hell**

**Afraid nothing can save me but the sound of your voice**

**You cut out all the noise**

**And now that I can see mistakes so clearly now**

**I'd kill if I could take you back**

Logan almost thought it was funny, realizing how much he had depended on Julian in so many things, or at the very least counted on him always being here. He had never even considered that one day Julian might just not be. He wanted him back so badly, wanted to have another chance to make things right.

**But how?**

**But how?**

**But how?**

**But how?**

But he wasn't the doctor, he couldn't do anything. For him the past was the past, and it was unchangeable, no matter how much he wished it wasn't.

**Why must we be so ugly**

**And please do not think ill of me**

**Why does the one you love**

**Become the one who makes you want to cry**

**Why?**

**Why?**

**Why?**

Things like that weren't supposed to happen to people like him, people like them, like Logan and Julian, like their friends. They just weren't.

Logan sometimes wondered when he had made the one big mistake that had inevitably led to where they were now, what had been the one thing that made this all his fault. People kept telling him it wasn't.

But Logan knew better.

**(And how?**

**How?)**

He knew that he could have put an end to this, that he should have. Somehow. Before it was too late. He could have avoided all this if he hadn't been so self absorbed all the time.

**But I don't understand the meaning of love**

Julian had loved him, and he had messed up. He had failed Julian. He had failed one of his best friends. And in the end, he had also failed himself.

**I do not mind if I die trying**

"How is this possible? YOU SAID HE WAS GOING TO BE FINE!"

**I do not mind if I die trying**

"I am sorry Mr Wright, we did the best we could. It was an aneurism, causing a stroke, it hit him in the middle of the night, no one could done anything. No one could have known."

**I do not mind if I die trying**

"I'm so, so sorry Jules. This is all my fault. I could have stopped all of this. I just wish I could start all over…I just wish I could bring you back."

**I do not mind if I die trying…**

_Julian Larson Armstrong_

_1994-2011_

_May his star continue to shine brighter than all others,_

_Just as it did on earth._

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><p><strong>End Notes: <strong>This...is kinda painful...T_T


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